Carmen @carmenleelau 2025-04-20
making yourself easy to love is a skill you can cultivate. I don’t mean make yourself more desirable/lovable/charismatic so you “deserve” love, I mean have doorknobs for people that are easy to grab ahold of and turn, tell people how you would like to be supported and cared for
Carmen @carmenleelau 2025-04-20
in a past relationship I’d go up to my bf and ask “can i have some praise please 😀” whenever I did something I was proud of and he would happily give it and it would feel amazing. I could just ask for the thing instead of being coy about it (if safe/comfy and they’re willing)
Carmen @carmenleelau 2025-04-20
dogs are really good at this, if they want pets or physical affection they walk over and ask for it. we are not as good at this, due to shame and complicated social maneuvers. I aspire to have a very clear interface
Carmen @carmenleelau 2025-04-20
avoids awkward problem of “friend is watching me go through a hard time but doesn’t know what they can do to help so they end up doing nothing or misfiring” if I say “I’m having a hard time and it would help to come over and lie on your living room floor sad, can I do that”
Carmen @carmenleelau 2025-04-20
often they’re like “omg yeah and thanks for letting me know what you need, didn’t want to overstep” but also fine if they reject, they still learn that’s how you like to process grief/sadness or what you like in order to feel supported and that awareness helps the relationship
Hamir Kalyani Stan Account @vivekt17 2025-04-20
Oh man .. this is such a good way to talk about this. I’ve been circling a similar concept for years in many different contexts.. I’ve called them handles, hooks, etc, but doorknob is a great way to refer to them.
Stories, characteristics, even fashion, body lingo - all of it can be easy-to-open-doors for interested ppl.
Now ofc, the danger with easy doorknobs is the trap of noise - lots of easy doorknobs may lead nowhere inside.
So ppl (like me) subconsciously do the opposite I.e. make it hard for ppl to discover you and like you. And basically it functions as a filter that ppl can really get to you only if they put in the work to try.
And while a touch of that can be good, it’s so important to also have this - for the non cynical, for the smart, for the caring, to have easy and accessible doorknobs.
And the big, 80/20 takeaway here is that have a big, attractive, accessible doorknob that reduces your complexity to one easy to hold knob - does NOT mean that you are reduced to this knob alone. It’s just a gateway into the world of you. And it’s okay for that gateway to be easy for ppl to hold and like and access.
Carmen @carmenleelau 2025-04-20
I think we’re gesturing to slightly different things (I’m talking about intimacy in moments of weakness or vulnerability and you’re talking about top of funnel openness/vulnerability when people first get to know each other) but I agree with you. Angle of the funnel can vary which changes the strategy but different ones are viable (wide at top so you can banter, small talk, find trailheads to deeper layers and filter as relationship escalates vs. narrow at top so more closed-off demeanor with strict filter, filters down even more as you progress)
Atahan @atahan_game_dev 2025-04-20
nstructions unclear: While adding a doorknob I accidentally installed locks and lost the key
Fletcher @KeyOsc 2025-04-20
One thing I’ve learned is when I don’t own my desire for support, validation etc , and ask for it directly, it comes out in unhealthy indirect ways - like performing suffering around people