Visakan Veerasamy @visakanv 2025-01-09
people– myself included– are often in the thrall of Contracts that they feel obligated to honor. these Contracts were often never properly negotiated, never written down— vague, wispy-yet-powerful ‘rules’ that we feel we must obey, are anxious not to break, yet chronically flout
Visakan Veerasamy @visakanv 2025-01-09
i was talking about this with a friend and made the following observations of my own
1. i used to sleep terribly
2. i always sleep amazing on vacation
3. i’ve slept better since having a kid, even despite the disruptions
and the explanation that makes most sense to me is,
Visakan Veerasamy @visakanv 2025-01-09
i had this implicit, vague, poorly-negotiated contract with myself about what my obligations to my work are. in practice it was like, "you didn't get enough work done today, so you should feel bad and think about what you've done". but unspoken. this doesn't apply on vacation,
Visakan Veerasamy @visakanv 2025-01-09
and with the kid, it’s like “my main job is to keep this guy (and his mom) alive and happy, and so if i didn’t get Work done today that’s fine”. or at least, it was fine for the first year, but then the zerg creep starts oozing into my mind…
2025-01-09
current mood:
Visakan Veerasamy @visakanv 2025-01-09
my relationship with rest has possibly always been my biggest weakness, I talk about this a bunch in Introspect, where I offer all sorts of constructive suggestions for all sorts of problems, but when we get to the chapter on exhaustion funnels i’m like “god help us both”
Visakan Veerasamy @visakanv 2025-01-09
I do expect to eventually arrive at a better config– the path is likely the same as with other similar puzzles I’ve solved for me: articulate and renegotiate the contracts, go upstream & face the feelings at the heart of whatever’s generating the issue, inhabit a different story
Visakan Veerasamy @visakanv 2025-01-09
lol: “my tiredness is clearly an offshoot of some deeper issue within myself. A part of me writes a book like this in the hope that it will help me to figure out what it is. Ironically, I am currently too tired to see clearly what it is. I bet I’ll see it after I ship my book.”
Visakan Veerasamy @visakanv 2025-01-09
well yea i see it pretty clearly I think. there are a couple of paths. one old river was like, the compulsion to work is downstream of compulsion to be useful, downstream of the compulsion to be worthy of love. i think I mostly addressed that part, but there’s more to it
Visakan Veerasamy @visakanv 2025-01-09
it’s become less about myself and more about how much help I can give other people. and here I remember conversations I’ve had with older friends who reminded me, i paraphrase, “you have to yourself be a shining model of the gentle joyous nurturance you wish to see in the world”
Visakan Veerasamy @visakanv 2025-01-09
or put another way, if you’re anxious about trying to help other people, part of what they will receive, along with the help, is your anxiety. they’ll literally inherit it. so if you wanna help people chill you have to be chill yourself. it’s actually so simple like that, lol
Visakan Veerasamy @visakanv 2025-01-09
made this 2 years ago and it still hits
abhay @abhayance 2025-01-09
man yeah this tension between the innocent, persistent call to service and the need for tenderness towards self, and seeing how they’re mutually reinforcing actually
Godzmack (schizo/acc) @Ggodzmack 2025-01-09
Discarding all random rules I’ve picked up over the years has been the best thing I’ve ever done, it’s so amazing how it’s all us all along, creating thought that create feeling that create action.
Borderline scary and amazing how nothing bothers me anymore.
@gatscape @gatscape 2025-01-09
this is the issue with roommates. when you move in with them there is an implicit contract on both sides, which may or may not be compatible.
lovable rogue @lovabler0gue 2025-01-09
great thread
a therapist once said “before you condemn bad patterns in yourself, ask what job that behavior is doing for you”
found it really helpful to realize my mental state is an accumulation of tradeoffs
Tom Bielecki @tombielecki 2025-01-09
I had some breakthroughs exploring this topic from this, thought I should share the chat: https://chatgpt.com/share/678040fd-a00c-8008-9170-3293b4acf942…
Specifically:
The Adult Experience of Navigating Implicit Contracts
Conflict Avoidance is Mistaken for “Maturity”
Suppressed Grievances and How They Surface
Millicenticent @millysayseh 2025-01-09
Ironic use of the word thrall
golddawn @golddawning 2025-01-09
Tell me about it man, I’ve got a deal with a dead guy and now I’ve gotta finish grad school 😭
abhay @abhayance 2025-01-09
yes
2021-08-25
Need a term for the Stockholm syndrome-like attachment the self has toward complying with poorly negotiated commitments and transactions even after deep realizations that subsume them.
Caelan Huntress @caelanhuntress 2025-01-09
“Sacred Contracts” by Carolyn Myss is a heckuva read
Pat LaVarre at Twítter @pelavarre 2025-01-09
Are you only coincidentally, or consciously, paraphrasing the large fraction of the 1848 USA Declaration of 16 Sentiments that still hold true among our people in our time?
Peter Vukovic @pvukovic 2025-01-09
My unwritten contract is I can’t let the work go until I feel I’ve hit a milestone every day, with no real definition of a “milestone” other than “I’ll know it when I see it”. Leaving work “unfinished” affects sleep and makes me incapable of thinking about anything else.
autumn @FamilyofAutumn 2025-01-09
I have many unspoken contacts, and it’s exhausting
Josh is making (animated) videos @JoshuaLelon 2025-01-09
All rules are made up to at least some extent. The existence of lawyers is proof that even the most codified rules are extremely ambiguous
I try to remember this when I have anxiety, shame,etc
Am I following a made up rule? Can I at least follow the version that makes me happy?
Optimus Prime @OptimusPri97731 2025-01-09
I found this post helpful. Visakan has a gift for diagnosing personal struggles and putting them into words.
Sharing it hoping others find it useful too: